Wednesday, 21 January 2015

I carry too much. I always have.

The handles on my bag always break.

I carry too much. I always have.

My inability to decipher what is functional and what is a burden results in an aching shoulder and a ripped purse handle. Stretched fabric splits from the stress of this unnecessary weight. A hair brush to create some order from my static and independent hair. A second book to fill my commute with someone else's thoughts. A letter. Folded and refolded to read from when I want to feel sad-the good kind of sad. Like the pain of pushing a bruise with your thumb. Socks, gloves, lipstick (which I never wear but I keep because it makes me feel dangerous), first aid supplies, toothbrush, my first book (I'll never tell), snacks, water. Too much. Too much weight.

I've always had a hard time letting go of things. I've prepared myself to have exactly what I need in any given situation. Go ahead, surprise me.

But bandaids can't mend broken hearts, and a smashed watch can't stop time, or trick mutating cells to stop dividing. My keys can't unlock the answers to questions that might never get answered or reveal things left unsaid.What is any of this good for?

I carry too much. It's getting too heavy.

Some days I wish that someone would steal my purse. Put a gun to my head and demand that I give it up. I imagine standing there, hands empty. Looking at my palms and noticing the lines that tell my story. Appreciating the beauty of holding onto nothing. Only having myself and letting that be okay. Free of my careful calculations. My perfectly packed mess. My shoulders light. My back arched and open.

I'd try not miss it. I'd try to fall in love with my lightness.

I'd promise to start letting go of this unnecessary weight.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

When Life hands you a sh*t Sandwich

Okay. So I'm all about being positive. I think most situations have a silver lining. But sometimes, sometimes World, you throw a big curveball and I'm hear myself muttering "Why I aughta!" This is when you know you've been handed what many call a "Sh*t sandwich."

*Don't be fooled by the name, although the word "sandwich" does appear in the name, it's by no means a delicious stack of fillings and sauces hugged between two slices of bread. I know. It's a hard concept to grasp.

In cases like these, it's easy to give up, lie on the floor and wish that you could trade places with that dust bunny in the corner. Jerk dust bunny, lying around, not dealing with anything shfccutabadatyvvkhelxblHOWEVER, since there is no way to do this (someone holla at me if you do figure that one out) you have to ... ugh...make a decision.  Oh yes, you have two choices:

A) Give up. Tempting. I get it. Sounds like a great option a lot of the time.


B) Put on your awesome pants and rock it. Yes, life is shitty right now. You do not need to sugarcoat it or lie about how you're feeling. You want to cry in Loblaws? Do it! May I recommend the produce aisle? Strangers will assume you're crying over the use of G.m.o's or  they'll "thank you" for watering the greens with your glistening tears.  Don't have "awesome pants?" Well, that's silly because that was a METAPHOR, my friend. There you go, you get some advice AND a literary concept in one blog post!

We all have things we are going through and things that we wish could be different. The interesting thing is that if you open up about what you're going through, a lot of times other people have interesting advice or perspective on things that youwho've been thinking about the same problem day-in and day-out,  might never have thought about. I guess that's part of the human condition, to go through something and assume that you are the only one who has ever known disappointment, fear or whatever else you are experiencing. Other people can be your light, your comfort, and the sounding board for the hard times in your life.

How you handle things is your choice. Sometimes life throws situations that are  so difficult to deal with like illness, death, loss, and rejection your way and you may honestly think you don't have the strength to deal with it. But here is the truth, you can. I repeat: You can. It's not easy. Your life will never be perfect. It's not a one track process with a point A to point B. It takes time. It's hard to rebuild things and stay present but the strange part of being human is that we endure during times when it feels like the only option is to curl up in a ball and give up.

I don't know why this is. But it makes me feel hopeful. So go get that coffee with your friend or loved one, talk about the things that anger you, scare you, immobilize you in this crazy, beautiful world and then keep going . Not because you should or because it's easy but because the world needs what you have to offer. This planet wouldn't be the same without you. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live your life. And "word on the street" is you're one tough cookie which, in my opinion, trumps a shit sandwich any day of the week. Keep Shining, beautiful.

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