Sunday, 15 January 2012

Peanut Butter Cup Man: A true story

I don't know how to tell this story. It seems so absurd. But just keep reading. Today i was at the reference library grabbing a book. I was waiting around for the library staff to bring my book up from the stacks. To kill time, I started searching through plays. I asked a guy to move over because i needed a book from where he was standing. He happily obliged and moved to the next aisle. This was my first mistake. Now I was alone. I remember feeling like I stepped on something and then looked down but there was nothing there. So I continued searching for my book. Out of nowhere, a man in his late fifties, early sixties, was sitting near my feet. He looked really concerned and said "Excuse me miss. Oh no, I think something chocolately is on your foot. oh yes. A peanut butter cup fell out of your bag and you must have stepped on it."

This should have been my first clue. I have never put a peanut butter cup in my bag in my life because it could never last that long in my presence. I would eat that chocolate bar in a second. It is my favourite candy. It WAS my favourite candy. I also switched purses this morning and i knew for sure that i didn't have that treat in my bag. Unfortunately, I didn't think about this at the time. The man offered to get it off for me. I told him "No thank-you, I can get it." This eager gentleman pulled out a kleenex and said it was no problem. I thought this was odd but then realized that maybe I was being too harsh. Had living in Toronto made me suspicious of a kind man's offer to get peanut butter cup off my shoe? Was I that Jaded? My foot remained in a figure skating position as the man had my winter boot in his hand. I felt like a flamingo and realized how hard it was to balance on one leg. I thought what an odd moment this is for me.

The man saw my distress and said "Don't worry about me, just continue reading your book." He told me to give him the full weight of my foot so he could get the peanut butter cup off. At this point, my danger meter was going off. The one where a stranger has crossed the line from being an eager beaver to stranger danger. He then repeated "Don't worry about me just keep reading your book." But how I ask you, how can a girl continue to search for her book when a strange man has her foot? I turn around to "put my foot down" (if you will) and  to my horror saw this man LICKING THE PEANUT BUTTER CUP OFF MY SHOE."

Pardon me? This is what you are thinking, right? Laurel, did you make this up? I assure you, I AM NOT THAT FUNNY. Today in the Toronto reference library a strange man licked a peanut butter cup that he placed under my shoe.  HE LICKED A PEANUT BUTTER CUP OFF MY WINTER BOOT THAT I HAVE STEPPED IN GOD KNOWS WHAT.

I then shoved my ghetto hand into his face. If North York taught me anything it was how to use the "talk to the hand" gesture. I said "I GOT THIS" AND HOPPED AWAY. When i turned around he was gone.

The sick thing in all of this is that, yes, this man was a harmless dude with a foot fetish but i'm the girl who hates feet. He picked the wrong girl. In another world, with another girl, this could have been a love story. The start of something amazing. A funny wedding story, "Once he licked my boot, i knew i couldn't live without this wildly impulsive man." Why me? I don't know why things like this happen to me. I wonder sometimes if I attract these things. Then i think to myself, NO. A GIRL DOES NOT HAVE A MAN LICK A PEANUT BUTTER CUP OFF HER BOOT BECAUSE SHE DID SOMETHING WRONG. THAT MAN WAS CRAY-CRAY. So next time someone offers to get something off your shoe, just know that they potentially might lick it off. If this does happen to you, please contact me. I am looking for some sort of support group. As for right now, i'm going to have a long hot shower and avoid libraries for the next little while. Peace out studious ones. My work is completely funded by my readers-if you'd like to keep this an ad-free space, please consider making a small monthly donation below to keep the blog posts coming. You are also invited to make a one-time donation in my "tip jar." Thanks for all the love and support. - Laurel Monthly Contribution:
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